Well I know it's been a while since I last posted. Over the past few months I have been through a whole range of emotions.     . My job closed down. I was employed there for five years so that was very difficult for me. I ended my eight year relationship with my boyfriend. It did not go how I envisioned it.It was not a great experience. I also had some other incidents that occured over the past months that did leave a lasting impression on my outllook of life. 

All I can say is I am happy to be alive. There were so many incidents that if played out differently, would of sealed my fate. One question that I was asked by a close friend was "What do you want out of life?". When presented with that question I was caught off guard .No one had ever asked me that. I really didn't know how to respond. I pondered for a moment and responded with  the word "happiness". Then I was asked what would make me happy. I couldn't really answer that. I didn't know the answer to that question.

It has taken me a few months to figure out an idea of what would make me happy. I realize I could not look for happiness in the comfort of others. That would only bring about disappointment.  I thought that maybe love would lead me to happiness but I wasn't ready for love. I was still hurting, confused and scared. What I discovered was I had to be content with myself first to even begin to walk down the path of happiness.

All this time I was seeking happiness through making others happy. I never put myself first or even considered my needs at all. I was just going through life and not living. So your probably saying wow with this new revelation your probably gotten yourself together and your happy. No I haven't gotten there yet. I haven't made the wisest choices and I am sure I will continue to make a few more mistakes before I get it right. But I know I will get it right.

My happiness has to come from within myself. I have to be happy with me and everything else will fall into place. I now have to embark on the journey of self discovery. Which is something I never thought I had a problem with. I mean hello, I know who I am. I guess it's the working on making me the best that I can be part which is the scaring me.

I have to look at new approaches to the way I normally handle things.  I have to be able to speak up and let it be known when I don't like something. I realize that sometimes when you try to hide things to not hurt or upset someone it only makes matters worst.It's better to just be honest straight off the bat. Sure they'll still have their feelings but it's more messed up when you lie and they find out.Take it from me I know first hand. I want to be more confidant, a little more aggressive, a force not to be reckoned with, a woman who can walk into a room and have her presence be known.

I am your typical sweet, shy and quiet woman. Very accepting, understanding, sharing, supportive, nuturing,naive at times and caring. However these qualities can be a problem when your in a difficult situation and that is the only way you know how to handle things. In my mind I feel that I can deal with any situation and still be nice and kind. It is so hard for me to be mean and people don't understand that about me. They look at me like I am stupid and feel that I deserve whatever happens to me. It's  rough out here and although many folks have a tough outer skin, I don't. I am the type of person who would be kind to her enemy. That is unheard of in this day and age. Everyone has the hell with you homie mentally. You cross me and it's over. I'm not like that and hence goes the comments from people "well, people will look at you as a stupid b*&%h. Women wonder why they are treated a certain way it's because of the way they act. You must like that treatment because you still speak to that person. You keep on and you will see what happens"

Some part of what they say does hold merit. But now all situations play out the same way. However this is not the first time I have handled the situation. The last time I was nice and it didn't go down nicely. This time it seems different hopefully it is.  Life is just so strange at times.

Before I sign off this entry I would like to count my blessings.

I am thankful for the support and strength from my friends and family. They really stepped up and helped me through my difficult times. I was given great advice, comfort, love and understanding. I was really trying to down play a lot of things until it got to the point where I had to tell them. Everyone came through and really showed me how much they truly cared about me.So much love and respect to you all. Each and everyone of you know what role you played in helping me through these times. I thank and love you so much.

I am thankful  to wake up each morning and have the opportunity to live another day.

I am thankful to have just enough to get by. It may not be as much as I am use to getting but every little bit will help.

I am thankful for the little things in life.

I am thankful for sunshine, laughter, gentle breezes on a humid day, chicken mcnuggets, sweet treats, clearance sales, flea markets, rainy days, and all that life has to offer.

I am also thankful for memorable moments that will last a lifetime and for being shown that there is more to life than what you normally experience.

I am also thankful for those who took the time to read my long post. Hee hee you made me feel special because you took the time to read what I have been going through. Thank you.

i said it before and I'll say it again,Cuz.... I think we were seperated at birth. Our personalities are so much alike that it's scary!! I read your post and although we are not going through the exact same situations, we are grappling with similar issues on the personality and emotional fronts. You know how non agressive and non confrontational I tend to be unless severly pushed to that point. But as of late, I have been beginning to wonder if there is a different way to approach situations in order to not get stepped on by others without acting like an a$$ at the same time. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'll be squaring off against someone physically or anything like that,but theres gotta be a better approach than getting pushed around.

I love the way you write, you are doing an excellent work.
------------------------------
Backgammon Game